Concerning Iqbal

I was researching the Vernon Koekemoer phenomenon last night, and I realised that it will be cool if we had our own Muslim Chuck Norris. So I created a character named Uncle Iqbal and modelled him initially around Leon Schusters 'Abdullah Rasbanja' from the Oh Schucks series. I played around with this idea last year when I took the piss out off myself with the MJ Facts, but for Uncle Iqbal I want it to be Muslim related stuff. I posted a few on my chatbox, and Legend, Great one and Archtype contributed so I decided to blog it here.

Now - Most importantly - If you are going to come up with an Uncle Iqbal joke, make sure that it is not blasphemous. So dont say stuff like Iqbal reads eight rakaats fardh in fajr or Iqbal is the Mehdi or anything like that. And dont make it offensive to other religions

Heres a few of the best

1. Iqbal appeared on Channel Islam once. Worldspace sales went up by six hundred percent that week

2. Iqbal wasnt involved in 9/11 because Iqbal never crashes

3. Iqbal occupies Israel!

4. Iqbals mum invented the samoosa when she taught Iqbal geometry

5. Iqbal translated once in an Ijtima.. As a result Pakistan became 100% Muslim state

6. After he met Iqbal the emperor was only known as Akbar

7. The tunes from Iqbals naaths are converted into Bollywood tracks

8. Iqbal squared Zam..

9. Iqbal pelts all 3 shaytaans with one stone at hajj

10. Iqbal was denied Visa for entering America, even though he was only travelling to Laudium

11. Iqbal beat up Chuck Norris because his beard wasnt Fist Length

12. Eid is not celebrated unless Iqbal has seen the moon

13. All of Zain Bhikhas songs are written by Iqbal. In his sleep

14. Iqbal only stands for salaatus salaam when he is in the mood, but when he does, you better get your ass up!

15. Iqbal has used the same miswaak since 1964. Incidentally, his teeth are always white even after he eats paan

16. Umshini wam was actually first sung for Iqbal when he singlehandedly defeated the soviets in Afghanistan

17. Iqbal is so rich, he gives Bill Gates Zakaat

18. Iqbal figured out the Da Vinci code by just looking at the cover. He still thinks that Dan Brown is a Jaahil

19. Iqbal ate two baddam - now he remembers everything from birth

20. Iqbal doesnt need a mussallah compass - he always knows which direction to face qiblah

21. Iqbal can eat fish curry for iftaar and still not smell funny during taraweeh

22. Iqbal doesnt drink Sarbat. Milk is immediately sweetened upon touching his lips

23. Jummah had to be moved to Ellis Park stadium because Iqbal was giving the Khutba

24. Iqbal gave Isha azaan once.. The Aussies woke up for fajr

25. Iqbal went to madrassah once.. It got turned into a Darul Uloom

26. People started giving out Jalebi at Khatams because Iqbal has a sweet tooth

27. Gandhi adopted Satyagraha cos he didnt want to fight with Iqbal

28. Iqbal slaughters a bull for Qurbani ... himself

29. Iqbal has met joebanker from mxit in person...and organised sharia compliant finance for him.

30. The smileys on Iqbals mxit wear parda.

31. The other I in CII is for Iqbal

32. People give Kruger coins for Mehr. Iqbal gives Kruger Notes

33. Sanha certifies robertson spices. Iqbal certifies Sanha!

34. Iqbal is a messy eater. Last time he ran his fingers though his beard gift of the givers had enough rice for the burmese people

35. Iqbal gets haj visa. Every year

36. Iqbal AUTHORISES hajj visas

37. Iqbal sweats rosewater

38. Iqbal taught Maths to the Arabs

39. Iqbals wife gave mehr for him

40. Mathew Webb was the first man to swim across the English channel. Iqbal was the first man to spit paan across it.

MJ

Concerning Yusuf

I remember meeting Yusuf Islam for the first time around nine years ago. He was a guest speaker at a fund raising dinner that we did sound at. A year later I met him again when I was the sound engineer at an event he performed at.

Yusuf is one of my biggest role models. There is this aura about him that you cant help but admire ( He definitely has a presence, and the only other time I felt this was when I met Former President Nelson Mandela) I think if there is one person I would like to emulate, it would be Yusuf Islam (disclaimer - before anyone shits on me for not saying that I want to emulate the prophet - let me quote Sheikh Hussein Ye - 'Do not do what the prophet did, do what he told you to do)

Yusuf Islams comeback as a pop star somehow encapsulates my personal feelings on dogma. For those who are not sure concerning my stance on music in Islam - I follow the fatwa given by Sheik Qardawi, but at the same time I respectfully acknowledge the other fatwas given. OK, so why a post on the artist formerly known as Cat Stevens? Watched Stardust on Saturday night (at about three in the morning with the great one) and after Fajr I tried irritating him by playing random songs on my phone, and one of the songs I played was an old Yusuf Islam classic, Wild World. So Waseem goes - we should do remakes of his Cat Stevens tracks - something he can sing today. Seems like fun, so lets try a few. Waseem wants to take a crack at Mathew and Son so i'l look at a few others. Instead of doing the entire track i'l just take a sample.

So heres the idea - Cat Stevens has just converted to Islam, this is what I think his songs will sound like. (I guess you will need to hear the originals to get the tune)

The First Cut Is the Deepest (original Lyrics)

I would have given you all of my shlong

But the doctor went about it all wrong

And its taking almost all that Ive got

But if you want, Ill try to love again

Baby Ill try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby I know

The first cut is the deepest

cause when it comes to following sunnats I’m first

When you circumsize when youre old its worse

But I cant just put a band aid on where it hurts

Thats how I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby I know

The first cut is the deepest

Wild World (original Lyrics)

Now that i've got Hidayat too

You say you wanna start teaching me whudu

And it's snowing outside, winter season'

Akhi, i'm freezin'

But if you have a geyser, hot water rocks

Hope I find a place to buy leather socks

Otherwise my toes are going to turn into little ice blocks

Oh, akhi, akhi, it's a hard deen

It's hard to get my foot into the wash sink

Oh, akhi, akhi, it's a hard deen

Cant we just skip to that Tayamum thing

MJ

The Matrix - The Halaal Version

Ive decided to keep the original names and settings, but rather change the dialogue (OK, so Trinity doesnt go with the whole Muslim feel, but hey - its a cool name so i'm keeping it). Also, I seem to be high on Cough Syrup as everything is swirling around me so not sure if any of this will make sense :P i'l just start typing and stop when I see double.

A computer screen.

We are on-line, on MIRC, on the Islam channel.

FootNSync: I heard Morpheus has been on this board.

Sexcchik786: Morpheus doesn't even exist and the Matrix is nothing but a scare tactic that parents use to frighten their kids like Mias farm

M3 ZN: Sexcchik a/s/l mwah

Sexcchik786: Get a life M3

Conspiracy Khalid: The Matrix is a euphemism for the government.

FootNsync: No, The Matrix is the system controlling our lives.

Mo Mo: You mean Shariah?

FootNsync: No, I mean Kajoor!

Digital Molvi: Kajoor Zinbabad!!!

Neo is sitting back, munching on some murkhoo and reading the whole conversation, while shaking his head. 'Chootias', he mutters as he crunches on a particularly crispy segment.

All of a sudden a message flashes up on his screen

Do you want to know what the Matrix is, Neo?

Neo is frozen when he reads his name.

If you want to know, follow the Arafat Keffiya.

Just then someone knocks on the door. Neo thinking that its SAFACT coming to raid his house for pirated software stays quiet. A second knock jilts him slightly but then he hears a familiar voice. 'Hey Akhi, open up. Its Iqbal'.

'What do you want Iqbal?' Neo asks quite bluntly

Iqbal - 'Do you have copies of the latest Sami Yusuf Akhi? We're really into the whole meditaranean thing right now. Gonna light a hubbly bubbly and chill'

Neo - 'Twenty Rands Iqbal, but remember, this is Awakening records and not some Pakistani studio so if you get caught with it, we never met'

Iqbal - dont worry Akhi, there is no copyright in Islam, this is a Jewish concept made to make Jewish companies like Microsoft rich. Why dont you join us? We just about to put the double apple and mint mix in the hookah - my personal favourite

Neo - No thanks man, maybe another time.

Neo then sees a Palestinian Keffiya wrapped around Iqbals bicep.

Iqbal sensing that Neo is staring at the scarf - Oh This. You like it? Latest fashion in Milan I hear. Allah u Akbar.

Neo joins them and they go to the Bombay to Beirut Restaurant to smoke a hookah. At the club a lady approaches him

Trinity - Asalaam u Alaikum Neo.

Neo - Wa Alaikumus salaam. How did you know my --

Trinity - I know a lot about you. I've been wanting to meet you for some time.

Neo - Who are you?

Trinity- My name is Trinity.

Neo - Jis-Laaik!

Trinity - What?

Neo I just thought... you were a guy.

Trinity - Most guys do.

Neo is a little embarrassed.

Neo Do you want to go somewhere and talk?

Trinity - no thanks. I dont walk with strange people, and you arent my mahram. Your life is in danger Neo, there is someone I want you to meet

Trinity takes Neo to see Morpheus

INT. ROOM 1313 Across the room, a dark figure stares out the tall windows veiled with decaying lace. He turns and his smile lights up the room.

Morpheus - Salaams Neo. As you no doubt have guessed, I am Morpheus. Please Behta. Come. Sit. Aaja.

They sit across from one another in cracked, burgundy- leather chairs.

Morpheus - I imagine, right now, you must be feeling a bit like youve just read three hundred rakaats of taraweeh. A little bit disoriented and tired?

Neo -You could say that.

Morpheus - hmm. Acha. I can see it in your eyes. Lets get into it. Do you believe in taqdeer, Neo?

Neo - No.

Morpheus - Why not?

Neo - Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life.

Morpheus - I know exactly what you mean. As children, we do not separate the supernatural from the logical. We are told to learn only that which is given to us in our Madressah Books. Our Jusdaans represent the beggining and end of our learning. But I see that you read. You read therefore you are free Neo

Neo - Free from what?

Morpheus - From the Matrix.

Neo loocks at Morpheus's eyes but only sees a reflection of himself.

MORPHEUS Do you want to know what it is, Neo?

Neo swallows and nods his head.

Morpheus - It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from Haq.

Neo - What Haq?

Morpheus That you are a slave, Neo.

Neo - No Seriously Uncle, whats the Matrix?

Morpheus - Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.

Neo - How?

Morpheus - Hold out your hands.

Morpheus Holds two pills in his hands, a red and a blue pill.

Morpheus - This is your last chance. No going back. You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed with a massive erection that will go away four hours and life will continue. You take the red pill and it breaks the fast that you were in all this time.

Neo - The casings look like thay have bovine gelatin, are these pills even Sanha approved?

Morpheus - Its a matrix, A MATRIX! Just say bismillah and pop one in your mouth, I dont have all day to explain this to you. I havent read Esha yet. Remember that all I am offering is the truth. Nothing more.

Neo opens his mouth and swallows the red pill.

We then see the sequence where Neo's body is released from the pod and he awakens to see Morpheus

Morpheus - Welcome, to the Dunya. We are aboard my ship, the Musafir. It is small, and cramped, but very homely. We are on our way to Zion, the last outpost for free men.

Neo - Why do you call it Zion?

Morpheus - There used to be some Natives carried over from the previous Matrix who used to live there but we occupied the land with our superior weaponry, hence Zion

Neo - Makes sense to me.

Morpheus - Before we do anything, we have to train you. Tank, load up the Jihad training.

Neo spends the afternoon learning wrestling, archery, stone throwing as well as how to fire an AK 47.

Morpheus - Now that you are prepared, we have to see the Oracle. She will guide you

They go to see the Oracle

Neo is seen in a waiting room of some sort, surrounded by kids who have either cancer or have just returned from Umrah. He sees a little boy bending a spoon, and is fascinated by this so he leans a little closer

Spoon boy - Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.

Neo - What truth?

Spoon boy - There is no spoon.

Neo - There is no spoon?

Spoon boy - Then you'll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.

Neo - Yeah, but its sunnat to eat with your fingers so I dont see why you think youre so special following the West. Astagfirullah

Neo is then led to the Oracle, who is in the kitchen busy preparing for Iftar

A Woman is huddled beside the fryer, peering inside through the starining device.

The smell of freshly fried mince samoosas colour the air

Oracle - Smell good dont they

Oracle - I'd ask you to sit down, but, you're not going to anyway. Yar Hamakullah

Neo - Huh, why'd you say th.. [Neo then has a violent sneeze] Aachoo!

Oracle- Thats why.

Neo - How did you know?

Oracle - Ohh, what's really going to bake your noodle later on is, would you still have sneezed if if I hadn't said anything?

MJ

(cough syrup is starting to kick in so i'm going to call it a night.) Stay tuned for part two (there will be a part two Great one)

So - thoughts so far?

Ive taken bits of the script from the second draft of the script and not the final script.

Concerning Movie Quotes

The task.

Take the American Film Institutes (AFI) top hundred movie quotes off all time and apply some of them to a scenario with The Great One, The MJ and The OH. Without adding or removing any words, or placing ques, change the context of the quotes.

(OK, so i thought of it now, but here goes)

Straight after KOTP

Waseem : "I'm king of the world!"

MJ: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

OH : "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!"

"I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse"

"Here's Johnny!"

MJ : "Well, nobody's perfect."

Waseem: "Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."

OH: "Say hello to my little friend!"

Waseem: "It's alive! It's alive!"

MJ: "Houston, we have a problem."

OH: "I am big! It's the pictures that got small."

Waseem : "You can't handle the truth!"

OH: "You talkin' to me?"

"Go ahead, make my day."

"You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow."

"Who's on first."

Waseem: "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!"

MJ: "Show me the money!"

OH: "You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?"

MJ: "What we've got here is failure to communicate."

OH: "My precious."

Waseem: "Snap out of it!"

MJ: "We'll always have Paris."

OH: "Hasta la vista, baby."

MJ

Concerning Cyanide

I enjoy taking Cyanide and Happiness comics and adding new text to it. (it first started with KOTP stuff, but then I expanded to Muslim stuff. I mostly do this because I dont have any graphic design expertise whatsoever (Life of an aspiring copywriter I guess)

Let me know if you cant read the text, i'l post it up under it. I think if you click on the picture it'l open up on a new page.. (hopefully)

Adapted from Cyanide and happiness.

Concerning Snack Platters

There is one thing that we cannot live without, and obviously this one thing changes from person to person. For me, that one thing is Coke. I can live without my cellphone and my car and my little blue cheapie spur mints but life will be almost impossible without coke. And life without pleasure is not life at all. I was going through some of the pics taken yesterday at Shaista's birthday party and I found one of me staring affectionately at a can of coke I was drinking. Not sure who took the pic (I think it was saffiya) I find immense joy in the smaller things in life. One day it might come back and hurt me in the form of a failed kidney or something but right now its all good.

The party was held at Nescafe in Musgrave. So, what’s the most important thing to MJ when he goes out? That’s right - the food.. So - does Nescafe deliver?

NO!

Ok, I really don’t want people to get the idea that I am extremely fussy and nothing ever pleases me or anything. I love Nandos, I love KFC, I love chicken Licken , I love Spur, I love Bombay to Beirut (sometimes) I love Mochachos, Subway... man, I love to eat. So when I bitch about something you know it has to be bad.

So - for starters we had the snack platter - the idea behind this was really good, but the food itself - yeuck! The Haloumi and chips were tasty. The Steak Riblets however were too rubbery and had a strong meat smell. so did the steak kebabs. The chicken Sosaties fared better but I know many places that serve better (Kikis comes to mind). Also, the dips that accompanied the platter were just weak. Nothing is worse than going to an upmarket joint and getting sauce that you have lying in your fridge. Stuff like Wellingtons Sweet Chilli Sauce . Thats why I like the Buffalo wings at Spur so much - because they serve it with two sauces that you wont find anywhere else (I’m still looking for a place that sells the sauce Spur use - its called Durky Sauce)

Next up we had a Chicken and Feta Pizza with Peppadews. That wasnt too bad. Had a caminettos feel to it. Nothing I'd drive to Musgrave to buy though (I drive to Scooters for their double salami Pizza) I didnt get a chance to try the Tramezzini but the chick opposite me ( I forgot her name) had one bite and immediately put it down so it couldn’t have been that good. The Chicken Arabiata was slightly better, as it had a decent 'pungenticity' (yeah, I just made that up) but Caminettos does it better at half the price. Finally, the Alfredo. hmmmm. How do I describe the Alfredo. I took a bite of it, and immediately this chick looks at me and says 'You're going to blog about it, aren’t you?' I guess its like buying a can of coke at Spar as opposed to buying it at the Hilton hotel. Same product, same taste, same gaseous burp... huge discrepancy in price. But I guess you have to pay the rent.

Having said all this about the food, I still maintain that Nescafe is a very good venue for a first date. It leaves a good impression to the chick you’re trying to impress. Lets just hope that she burnt all her tastebuds in a freak GHD accident beforehand and it'll all go well.

MJ

I cant stop saying Kurt Wagner in a funny accent.

I provided a link to my top fifty games under my chatbox - i'l update it as I update the list (look out for 30 -21 tomorrow)

Concerning Assuagement

I really like the Great ones adaptation of that crappy Umbrella song so heres a homage to you oh knifing king

Hey There Jameelah

Sung to the Tune of Hey There Delilah by Plain White T's

Hey there Jameelah

What's it like in Baghdad City?

I'm a thousand miles away

But girl, tonight I feel so shitty

Yes I do

The whole world faced its back towards you

I swear it's true

Hey there Jameelah

Don't you worry about the ordnance

and the cluster bombs are only

for your freedom I assure you

Close your eyes

the threat of WMD’s were our disguise

to capitalize

Oh it's oil I want to see

Oh it's oil I want to see
Oh it's oil I want to see

Oh it's oil I want to see

Oil I want to see

Hey there Jameelah

I know times are getting hard

But just believe me, girl

Someday the U.N will step right in and

We'll have it good

We'll have the safety we knew we would

Our war is good

Hey there Jameelah

I've got so much left to do

Invade Iran, Sudan and the East

To give them democracy

Liberate them all

Even more evil dictators will fall

We'd have it all

Oh it's oil I want to see

Oh it's oil I want to see

Oh it's oil I want to see

Oh it's oil I want to see

A thousand miles seems pretty far

But we’ve got tanks and armoured cars

We’d just nuke you if we had no other way

The world would all be sick of us

and we'll just laugh along because we know

That none of them could stop our show

Jameelah I can promise you

That by the time we get through

The world will never ever be the same

And we’re to blame

Hey there Jameelah

You be good and don't you diss me

Two more years and Iraq will self destruct

And We'll be making history like we do

You'll know it's all cause of GW2

We can do whatever we want to

Hey there Jameelah here's to you

This one's for you

Oh it's oil I want to see

Oh it's oil I want to see

Oh it's oil I want to see

Oh it's oil I want to see

Oil I want to see

MJ

Concerning First Years

Had a discussion with the first years on 'Media and Sport' yesterday. Well, actually it was on the 'Construction of sporting personalities in the South African Media'. I wrote down three names on the board - Carlos Alberto P, Hansie and Luke Watson and I asked them to break into groups and discuss one of them. My original lecture was going to be on Media legislation pre and post democracy but the projector and I seemed to be at odds. I lost this round, but four years of lecturing has taught me to always have a backup plan.

I find that the best way to teach media studies is to use examples that the students can relate to. So when I do a lecture on say Media coverage of the war in Iraq, when I handle the anti war movement I will play songs that the students know. I think the key element for being a media student is to be critical of any text that you come across. Herein lies the problem. Sometimes you become so critical that you lose touch with 'popular taste'(Archtype pointed this out when he disagreed with my gaming preferences - wait till you see my list on mydl tonight - theres no final fantasy there at all)

MJ